Alone For The Holidays

Alone For The Holidays

I like to think that if something rings true for me then it must be true in general for others. While this may be often true. I have found, much to my chagrin, It's not always the case.

Every year when the holiday season starts up I hear about people who have no where to go for the holidays. It's presented in a way that elicits both a feeling of sympathy for those in this situation and a realization of how blessed the rest of us are. I too think these things but it's more an intellectual thought than a feeling. Part of me is a little envious. I have liked all the holidays I experienced alone without family or even friends. I like having time alone. I have never been a big fan of holidays, other than they can mean no school or work. Now that I am retired I find holidays more enjoyable, but prior to retiring I saw a holiday that involved a family gathering as more of a time waster. Getting together with the whole family was not something I looked forward to. It was something that I accepted as necessary and I usually could hardly wait for it to be over so that I could grab back whatever time was left. It's not that I didn't like my family, east and west, it was more that I am not all that comfortable in larger gatherings. I am more of a one-on-one person. I like people one-on-one or in small intimate groups. Once a group gets to be more than a few people I begin to feel disconnected. The larger the group the more disconnected. On most holiday gatherings I feel myself become more of an observer than a participant. I do not feel alone but then I don't feel connected either. I often feel in between comfortable places. I used to tell people that I liked the Ground Hog Day holiday because it came with no expectations, no obligations, and no one celebrated it.

I am fine being alone and I can be alone in a crowd. I think this is why I am fine going places where there are lots of people I don't know by myself - like a movie or a concert. I enjoy doing the Thanksgiving “Run to Feed the Hungry” in Sacramento each year with 25 to 30 thousand people. Being surrounded by that many people gives me the feeling of being alone while at the same time, in a sort of spiritual way, a feeling of being connected to the community. Now I am not saying I prefer to do stuff by myself than with Kris, or loved ones, or some friends it's just that I like it both ways.

I can't say I particularly look forward to any holiday. As a child I of course looked forward to Christmas. In my family Christmas Eve was spent with just my Dad, my Mom, and my brother and sister. That was my favorite time - it was just us. Christmas Day the rest of the family would show up for dinner which for me pretty much signaled the end of the Christmas holiday. Christmas still arouses strong feelings within me. I certainly enjoy some of the Christmas gatherings and parties we attend around that time of year. What I really like though, are the parts that are just with Kris. Still, some of my favorite and most memorable Christmases are those where I was all by myself. Of course I realize it's easier to appreciate a holiday by oneself when you regularly have people in your life and I have been most fortunate to have this.

My favorite Thanksgiving was one where I hiked up to a hot springs in Oregon by myself. Well my dog Nyshia came along and some light rain decided to join us just before we reached our destination. The quiet of the woods was only interrupted by the trickling of the water from the hot springs pools. The three small pools would normally accommodate three, maybe four people in each pool but that day I had all three to myself. I removed my clothes and sunk down into the middle pool. Nyshia found a spot to lie down near by as I stared up at the trees surrounding us. I looked up at the clouds as I peacefully soaked in the pool by myself. I completely relaxed and let all my worries drift away. At the end I felt renewed and the feelings that I had that day have stayed with me. I think of it each year when Thanksgiving comes around.

Living on the West coast with all my family on the East Coast I have been alone for at least four Christmases. To have a Christmas alone requires that I not be married and not have a girlfriend, or at least not one whose family lives in town. Whenever I had a girlfriend who had a family living near by I would be obligated to attend their festivities because no one ever believes that I actually like spending Christmas by myself. I have had a few solo Christmases. Two were in Eugene and the others in San Francisco. They were all a bit different and all a bit similar and I found them all delightful.

I'm an introvert and hence get energized by being alone. Having the whole day where I did not have to be with anyone was soothing. I didn't even call anyone. On those occasions I made a point of calling the family the day before and if my phone happened to ring the day of, I just didn't answer it. The best thing about Christmas is that it's so quiet outside, especially in the morning.

In Eugene I don't remember anyplace being open but one year I took a bike ride through town and it was like I had the whole town to myself. There were a few people about, most of them homeless. Eugene was small enough in those days that I knew some of the homeless people, especially near where I lived and worked. I did take a few minutes to engage with a couple of them. It felt like everyone had just left the town to me and the homeless. It gave the place a whole different feel and vibe, very quiet and peaceful. I loved it.

One year in Eugene I spent Christmas week house sitting for friends. They had a house out of town on the river. They had a dog, which was why they needed me to house sit. While I was there, on Christmas Eve about noon, I decided to put on some music and smoke some pot. I had brought some pot that I had just purchased with me and it needed to be cleaned. In those days pot came with the stems and seeds, at least the pot I was buying did. So I dumped it on to the coffee table and started to clean it when I heard the dog barking. I went to the door to take a look and there was a police car coming up the driveway. I went outside and walked out to greet him. He got out of the car and asked if I was the person who lived in the house. I explained they were gone for the week and I was house sitting. He said he had a warrant for one of them, something about parking tickets. He asked if he could leave a note. I said sure and started to lead him into the house. I opened the door and saw the pot all over the coffee table. I quickly turned back around and told him I'd be right back with some paper to write on. He didn't seem to object so that's what I did. He wrote the message, gave it to me, and wished me a Merry Christmas. Whew! I think I may have just missed spending Christmas in the pokey. I suspect that Christmas with jailbirds would probably be a bit worse than spending it with family and friends. On the other hand, it would have made for a better story, but I'm not complaining. It did however put a little damper on the mood so I took a walk with the dog by the river. When we got back I was feeling better so I put on some music and smoked some pot to celebrate and count my blessings. It was a Happy Christmas!

My Christmases in SF would start out with a walk in the Park and about mid-morning I would get some coffee. Most places were closed but there was a coffee shop on Geary out towards Ocean Beach that was open. There would be just a couple of people in the place. I would bring a book, get some coffee and just sit by myself looking out on the street and appreciating how peaceful and still it all was. No people, no cars, and rarely a bus. Afterward I'd head down to the deserted beach and wander back home meandering through Golden Gate Park. Of course I'd see a few people every now and then but the Park, like the rest of the neighborhood, was quiet. There is a little nine hole golf course kind of tucked into the north-west corner of the park. One year I took a couple of clubs and walked on and played a few holes. The course was closed but of course it was just the building where you paid that was closed. There were a few others who had the same idea but it was just a few and there was lots of space between us. Tower Records was open 365 days a year so I would head down there in the late afternoon. A few others would be in the store but in general the store was so empty you kinda had it all to yourself. I'd buy some new music, go home, make something to eat, and then spend the evening listening to the music I had purchased. It was a great day. At least for me, it truly was peace on earth.