Meet The Family
1980: The Miracle on Ice, Reagan becomes President, and John Lennon is shot - Post-It Notes, Rubik's Cube, and Pac-Man - CNN launches, Dave marries for the 2nd time, and Mount St. Helens erupts
Kathy and I were engaged. Next step, let the the families know. Kathy's family was all in the Bay Area and I had already met them. Her parents were Korean. Kathy's parents were fairly calm and quiet. They didn't let much out and I never felt like I knew much about them. The things I remember most are Kathy's mom made excellent kimchi, there always seemed to be a pot of rice sitting on her stove top, and they had a sort of “living in a glass house” mentality. I wasn't going to be the only white guy in the family as Kathy's cousin married a white guy. Kathy, like myself had been married previously so my marriage experience was not held against me. On the weekend I drove down to the Bay Area. We went out to dinner with Kathy's parents at a restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf. We had previously gotten the chance to know each other over the holidays as I had spent time at their house. At Kathy's request I announced our engagement. Her dad showed some surprise initially but they both were very supportive.
Next up, my parents. All my family lived back east, mostly in New York out on Long Island. My parents knew I was seeing a woman named Kathy but they had never seen her. I called to tell them of our engagement and that we were coming to visit. It was at that point that I thought that maybe I should let them know that Kathy never checks the “white” box on forms that asked the ethnicity question. I hadn't really thought about it before. I don't like to think me or my parents are racist but I can't deny that I grew up in an all white, suburban, neighborhood in a racist country. How could I, raised in white suburbia, not be effected by the prevalent racism disease? I remember my father saying to me that he sometimes wondered if he did us a disservice by bringing us up in suburbia. He thought it may have been better for us (the kids) if we had grown up in a more diverse environment.
There are many people with Asian heritage working in the IT world in Northern California. (However few are Black or Hispanic). Maybe having Asian friends and co-workers was why I never thought to mention this to my parents previously but I realized that this was something I probably should let them know prior to us showing up at their front door. As I'm sure you are aware, whites like to regard themselves as the superior race. I was never blatantly told this by my family but we “whites” had neighborhoods, schools, clubs, and a slew of other stuff that was just for us. Almost everyone on TV and in the movies was white and everyone in authority was white. That's a pretty clear message and unfortunately one that comes with repercussions. It didn't seem odd to me when I was a kid. It was all I saw and I didn't know any better.
All my previous girlfriends were white although I did go out with a woman who was Native American. There was a black girl, Ingrid, at Valparaiso (Valpo) I wanted to go out with but she had a boyfriend at the time. Her boyfriend was Austin Carr. Yes, that Austin Carr, the one who was a star at Notre Dame (at the time) and would go on to a career in the NBA. I don't remember how they met. She was from D.C. and he was from Brooklyn but Valparaiso is not far from South Bend. I'm pretty sure she was not his only girlfriend. Nevertheless, to my disappointment I was never more than just the platonic guy friend she hung out with at Valpo.
My Mom's mother's family did seem to see themselves above the fray. They bought into those Victorian values where sex was something dirty and unappealing. So much so that my grandmother was never able to let her self, you know - “do it” due to how unpleasant “the deed” was described to her in her youth. She lived over 97 years, all of them as a virgin. I know what you are thinking, “Holy shit! Your mom is like Jesus, a product of a virgin birth” Relax, she was adopted. (My mom wasn't found floating down a river either, she was found in Patchogue with the aid of an adoption agency.) However, if you know my mother you may indeed wonder just where she came from as she's not like most people.
My father's side? Well, there was the “hushed up” fact that his father had been married before. Evidently his wife had the audacity to die on him and as a consequence my family refused to speak to her ever again. Not only that, we never even mentioned her. I was never told her name. Everyone acted as if she never existed. Of course her family ultimately did the right thing and sent over her cousin as a replacement. I suspect she felt a bit of pressure to stay alive, which she did. She outdid herself as she lived to be 99. She gave birth to my dad and later became my grandmother. My dad's father's mother was Mary Stowe, from the Beecher-Stowe clan (Harriet Beecher Stowe). She came from a bunch of abolitionist and it also meant she came chock full of religion.
Meanwhile back at the story I was about to introduce my non-white fiancee to my all white family. I was not too worried but I informed my parents over the phone that Kathy wasn't exactly white. There was a brief pause and then I followed up with that she was Asian and more precisely her parents were from Korea. There didn't seem to be a negative reaction to Kathy's heritage as far as I could tell over the phone. We flew into New York and arrived at my parents front door. My parents met and immediately liked Kathy. After Donna how could they not? Kathy was friendly and eager to please which was a big contrast from Donna who was more reticent and leery of suburbanites. Nobody in my family, save me of course, cared for Donna. My parents informed me that my grandparents were coming to visit the next day. I hadn't considered them. They were part of the WWI generation so I suspected Kathy might be a little bit of a surprise for them. My grandmother on my mom's side had this thing about identifying people who “were not our kind” (her words) and they were a large group as it not only included people of color, but Jews and Catholics as well. Well based on her criteria I'd already crossed the “our kind” line when I married Donna since she was from an Italian Catholic family. Still I was a little worried she may see Asian as straying too far. On the other hand she always graciously welcomed everyone into her house. In fact, when it came time for her to pick a senior residence she turned down the white Protestant (“our kind”) home for one that included the not “our kind” types. It seemed she was good at doing the prejudice talk but needed some practice on the walk part. My dad's mother had a college degree and was a teacher. I had never heard her say anything negative about “non-white” people. Consequently I was more worried about the reaction from my grandmother on on my mom's side.
The grandparents arrived. Kathy and I came into the room. My mom's mother didn't blink an eye and welcomed Kathy warmly. My dad's mom did a double take. I though she might fall off her chair but she recovered. She ended up having a long friendly conversation with Kathy. She later told me she thought Kathy was “a fine girl”. This was one of her favorite expressions of approval. My mom's mom? She just seemed to be happy about the whole thing. She later told my mom that she liked Kathy and if I chose her she must be a good person. God love 'em my grandparents were always on my side supporting all my decisions.
OK, now that the families were informed and on board, it was time to return to California and plan the wedding.
I haven't shared these mixed race/ethnic experiences. However, I do admit that I was a little relieved that both my brothers accepted Chuck and he was the only boyfriend my brothers never made fun of. That definitely made him a keeper!
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