The “M” Word
Summer was bleeding into fall. Kris and I had now been together for about a year when the “M” word (marriage) showed up. If you have been reading the blog you will know that I had “M”ed twice already which was at least twice what anyone else in my family had done. I also had a history of not maintaining a serious relationship for much more than 2 years. Some of it mostly my fault, some not so much. I'd been through a few serious relationships where marriage did, and a few others where it did not factor in. I am not a religious person myself so I tended to look at marriage as more of a legal thing rather than a spiritual one. I did not necessarily equate marriage with commitment. Marriage for me is more of a government notification thing. Commitment for me is more personal. Once I became close with and truly love love them I feel committed. I also knew that things could change, and in my past, they generally had. In my case, marriage had little to do with that. It seemed to me that the big difference about marriage was that it kind of complicated things. It involved the government which along with the tax implications also included a new legal status that could grant some additional benefits. For me probably the biggest difference was it brought family into the picture. By that I mean things like: If a breakup occurs the family is more concerned/involved when you are married. When you are invited to a family function, say like Thanksgiving, the invite assumes it includes your spouse but if not married the invite includes the question, Is “fill in the blank” coming too?
I bring this all up because it was around this time one evening when Kris and I were talking that Kris started talking about where we were heading. We were spending all our time together and Kris was thinking we should be looking at the next step, yes, that “M” word thing. Kris and I think a lot alike but Kris is a planner and looks ahead, where as I am more in the present. I don't look back much and I don't worry too much about what's ahead. I am not at all a planner. The “don't worry about what's ahead” trait worked well for me as a computer programmer. Working on large projects that had very tight deadlines, I tended not to worry about the deadline like so many of my co-workers. I just focused on what was in front of me and figured that if I just kept working hard and making progress it would all work out and if it didn't, then there was something wrong with the deadline. Stressing about the deadline was not productive and as long as I did the best I could I'd be OK. However, in this case it was of little help.
Anyway, after Kris broached the “M” word subject I was initially thinking I wanted to still wait a bit. Yes, we had been together for about a year and we were closer than ever, but in the back of my mind there was that two year thing. Because of that and the fact that I'd been down the “M” road two times already I was a little hesitant. Kris's thoughts were that while we were technically not living together we were about as close to that as we could be and for her she was not comfortable continuing our current practice without a more defined goal, marriage. I don't remember if this was a multi-part/day discussion but I do remember from my side that I knew our relationship was solid and felt it would not be going away for me. I didn't really have any objection to marriage itself and after all I had marriage experience. I certainly did not want the relationship to regress. I knew Kris was the one for me. Still I was thinking that given my record we might want to wait a little longer, although I confess that I didn't bring up my relationship history during these conversations.
The “M” word was now out there and so we continued to talk and we decided to get married. Now the question, when should the wedding be? Kris, of course, wanted to do it sooner rather than later. Figuring it would take a couple of months to plan and everything she suggested December. I don't know if I'm just cheap or a product of parents who grew up with the Great Depression, or just an insensitive lout who lacks a proper sense of romance, but I couldn't help but factor in the money angle. See, Kris and I were making about the same salary, actually she was making a little more than me but the point is it was similar. Previous to the last couple of years I had never really done much saving. I'd often save for something, because I didn't like being in debt, but I never had a large amount in my savings account in general. However after being laid off and out of work for 4 or 5 months I started to save in earnest and in 1987 alone I had saved a little over $5,000. I'd been doing my own taxes for years and some of those years I was married. I was very aware of my tax liability as a single and also with a working spouse. If we married in the '87 tax year, we would owe almost an additional $5,000 in taxes. I just spent the year saving that much and to just turn around and give it away to get married a few weeks sooner was something I could not see doing. I pushed hard for a January wedding. When Kris asked why I was so adamant about doing the wedding in January and not December I explain about the taxes. You can probably guess how that went. “No Kris. Of course you are more important to me than money. It's only one month, a few weeks, and we can keep the $5,000.” I think the dual income marriage penalty is not as severe today after some of the subsequent tax changes that have been enacted since then, but at least I wasn't asking to wait for the tax code to change. For sure that would have been a non-starter. I was only asking for 1 month. Kris ended up reluctantly agreeing to a January date. It is 36 years later, we are still married, and so I think it's fair to say she has forgiven me.
I'm pretty easy going, most of the time. Shortly after we got together Kris thought maybe I was always deferring to her so she encouraged me to speak up when I didn't like or want to do something. My response at the time was something like “Don't worry. If something is important to me you will know.” One thing about me is that I don't give up easily if I really want something. I wrote about a time in another blog piece where I had decided that I really wanted to attend the University of Oregon. I applied and was rejected. I didn't care for that outcome. I packed up and drove to Eugene. I got an appointment to present an appeal to the board of admissions explaining to them why I should be accepted. They reversed their decision and let me in. Still, that was probably the last disagreement with Kris that went my way for awhile, you know the “happy wife, happy life” thing. I was already savvy to that. I did pick up a few things going around that block, a few times...
Decision made. In the fall of 1987 Kris and I became engaged with plans to marry in Sacramento in January of 1988.
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