Remembering Valerie

Remembering Valerie

Valerie dancing at my wedding

While looking through a box of old photographs I came across a couple of postcards that were sent to me in December of 1979. I had recently been transferred to Sacramento. One postcard was from Louanne and the other from Valerie, two members of the Barrington Gang that had moved from Eugene to San Francisco around the same time I did. Louanne's post card had a picture of a reenactment of the assassination of President Kennedy. Now a postcard of the assassination would be weird enough but a postcard of a reenactment of it? Who thinks something like that is post card worthy? That is just too funny. I've always appreciated Louanne's sense of humor. The picture on the card from Valerie was of a vintage Christmas card which in it's own way was very Valerie. The cards asked about how I was finding Sacramento, informed me they'd be in San Francisco for Christmas, and asked if I might be there as well. I don't remember where I was that Christmas, but it would turn out that I would see Valerie only few more times before losing track of her.

I met Valerie in the fall of 1974. She was living in an apartment on Patterson Street in Eugene, Oregon while attending the University of Oregon majoring in Gerontology. She had two roommates Martha and Cyndi, aka Cyd. The three of them hailed from Barrington Illinois, a suburb North and slightly West of Chicago. Those three, along with Maria, also a Barrington alum, and Louanne, from Pacifica, CA, (the only one who had not done any time in Barrington) would comprise the group that was lovingly referred to as The Barrington Gang in our circle of friends. I would end up joining that group when I moved in with them as Cyd's boyfriend for about 2 years. We had a communal household sharing things like food and chores. We ate dinner together and did many activities together as a household. I thought of us as more of a family than a group of friends sharing a living space.

Valerie was a kind and gentle soul. I had a sort of soft spot for Valerie. There was something so likable about her. Upon meeting her she seemed like a person you could take advantage of or push around. Not true. Valerie was tough and she was very good at standing her ground. Valerie came across as cautious. When she was asked about something there would often be a noticeable pause before she answered, like she needed to think about it first, leaving the impression you might be able to change her mind. It may have felt like you could but that was far from the case, it was just that her manner made it seem that way. She would never be harsh when differing with you. Valerie was soft spoken, thoughtful, genuine, and in my experience never tried to be something she was not. She was the “peace-maker” type. I never saw Valerie lash out at or be mean to anyone.

Valerie's Mom bought and moved into run down homes, fixed them up, lived in them for a little while, and then sold them. So when Valerie was growing-up she would live in these “fixer-upper” homes while her mom was fixing them up. Once everything was fixed up and nice they would soon move to another “fixer-upper”. I suspect this contributed to, if not directly caused, Valerie's discomfort with disorder. She liked everything in its place and had very specific ideas on how things should be as well as how to clean them. We had a large, long table in our dining room. It was low to the ground, not much more that a foot above the floor level. We sat on the floor when we ate at the table. A row of plants were kept on the table, lined up across the center. When it was my turn to clean the dining room table I would stack the plants on one end of the table and clean the plant-free side. Then I would move the plants over to clean the other side of the table. I would then return all the plants to their original location. When Valerie saw this, she insisted that my method was sub-standard and not acceptable. The proper way, the only way, to clean the table was to remove all the plants, clean the entire table at once, and then put all the plants back. Like someone who doesn't get math, I could not see how her method was superior to mine and of course being someone who tends to have issues with others telling them what to do I argued with her. In the end Valerie won out and I did it her way, or at least I did when she was around.

I was always fond of Valerie in a non-romantic way and as such I tended to tease her. I tend to tease and joke around with people I like. The more I like someone the more apt I am to do this. I'm not sure Valerie fully appreciated this however. I liked to take advantage of her desire for order and her aversion to change. If I was home when she left the house I would sometimes move something around. For instance, I might swap two wall hangings or re-order the plants on the table or relocate one of Valerie's doilies. (Valerie was the second person I knew who liked doilies, the first being my grandmother.)  I would then wait to see how long it took her to notice the change. One day I decided to do this on a larger scale. I usually stayed in Eugene for the holidays. Most of the others generally left town to spend them with their families, but Valerie would sometimes stay in Eugene like me. At those times it would be just her and me at the house. During one of those times I completely rearranged the living room after she left to go to the food store. I reversed everything, moving the furniture that was against one wall to the opposite wall so when she came back the room was a kind of mirror image of what it had been. When she returned she was a little taken aback. Of course I had to put everything back the way it was but it was worth seeing her reaction. Looking back I suppose that was a tad mean, but Valerie never seemed to hold it against me.

I moved from Eugene, Oregon to San Francisco after I graduated from the University of Oregon and, as I mentioned, Valerie moved down to San Francisco as well. We would get together every now and then. I remember taking a trip together down to LA to attend Cindy's wedding. (Cindy was a mutual friend of ours from from Eugene.) I also remember one time being questioned by the cops about what I was doing while I was waiting for her to come out of her apartment in San Francisco. Fortunately Valerie came out in time to save me from an invitation to visit the local police station. Valerie once took me to a hard core lesbian bar. Valerie was not the type to hang out in bars so we must have been meeting someone there. It sticks out because while I wasn't initially uncomfortable once inside I became aware of a strong “What the f%&k are you doing here?” vibe flowing in my direction.

Valerie attended the wedding reception for my marriage to Kathy in 1980 and I don't remember seeing her much after that. Kathy was not too fond of me having female friends so even though we returned to the Bay Area the following summer (1981) I don't remember seeing Valerie or really any women friends who weren't also friends of Kathy. The last time I remember seeing Valerie was at my surprise 40^th birthday party dinner organized by Kris at a restaurant in San Francisco nine years later. There were many people there but I have a picture of me talking with her. After that I lost track of Valerie. She would eventually move back to Oregon and I returned to Sacramento. I once tried to find her on Facebook without any luck. A few years ago I reconnected with Cyd and through her I learned that Valerie was battling cancer.

Valerie on my right - 40th Birthday Party

Valerie passed away this past Friday after a four year battle. When I heard the news of her passing tears came flooding into my eyes. That was a stronger reaction than I had expected. Valerie and I were friends and also roommates at a very special time in our lives. We were more than just roommates and more than just simple friends. I hadn't seen Valerie for over 30 years but Valerie was part of the Barrington Gang family and I had deep ties to that family. They remain a significant part of me. Friends come and go and some touch you more deeply than others. I'm not sure exactly where Valerie is on that spectrum for me but she's someone significant, more than just another friend. She's someone I truly cared about and remember well. My world seems just a bit more lonely knowing that Valerie has moved on. Thank you Valerie for your friendship and care.