Pete and The “Old Man”
Kathy and I were living in Sunnyvale and working in Silicon Valley. We had been married for less than half a year. We had recently returned from our trip to Eugene, a trip that changed our relationship. After that trip I felt Kathy didn't really know me and didn't approve of that side of me. We were already at a crossroads. How did this happen? It was all so sudden. We had just taken those vows promising to stay together till the end of time. How did I get here? I felt stuck. Was this it? I didn't want to quit but I began to feel myself wanting to pull back from the relationship. I was living a lie. I didn't think I had any right to end the relationship but the truth was that while I didn't physically leave the marriage pursuing a legal separation or a divorce I did start mentally leaving the marriage.
Kathy and I still did most things together. We got along fine and had very few arguments. From the outside it appeared we were doing pretty well but we mostly avoided the real issue. I was not happy and a notable symptom of this was I started enjoying being at work more than being at home. I was more free at work, while of course it was a work environment, I was letting go more there than when I was back at the house. Every now and then I'd go up to San Francisco and visit with my friend Larry. Kathy didn't like visiting with Larry so it was usually just me and it always turned out to be the best part of that week for me. Larry would occasionally throw a party but Kathy usually didn't want to go so sometimes I would just go by myself. Although I never hooked up with anyone there were times when I was tempted. I had to watch myself and I knew that was not good.
I wasn't being a good husband, I was mostly just going through the motions. I felt like I was not being me. Kathy didn't seem to see me as the person I thought I was. Kathy hadn't really done anything wrong. She wanted to work things out. We talked but inside I felt the relationship for me was missing something. Simple things that I liked were often boring or worse to Kathy and vise-versa. I was at a point where I didn't feel safe being myself with Kathy. She was supportive of me but I felt like she just didn't get me. So I settled and found a way to live with the way things were. The result was our relationship suffered. I became cautious about what I shared with her. I no longer trusted her with my inner most personal and private thoughts. It was turning out to be a fairly rotten summer. Something needed to change.
Then my brother Pete came out from New York. He drove across the country with his friend Phil. They stopped to visit a variety of places along the way and did a bit of hiking and backpacking. My favorite story about their trip involved one of their backpacking adventures. Well not the adventure itself but rather their first stop to eat after they were done. They were quite hungry. How hungry were they? Well, it was late morning when they found a place to eat. They ordered a big breakfast and ate it. When the waiter came over to ask if they'd like the check, they said “No, bring us the lunch menu”. They then ordered and ate lunch as well. My brother does not like to miss any meals.
Pete and Phil arrived at our place in Sunnyvale. Kathy was very welcoming. Phil stayed for maybe a week but Pete had come out to stay. He moved in with us. With Pete in the house for the first time since the Eugene trip things seemed to improve, at least for me but I think for Kathy too. The energy in the house changed for the better and the mood in the house seemed lighter. We even threw a party with a hat theme and invited all our friends. It was our first party at our new place and Kathy and I both had a good time.
Pete is 9 years younger than me. Except for short visits I had pretty much left home by the time he was turning 10. In a sense I'd always been more of an adult and he a little kid. We didn't much know each other at the same level like my sister and I did. Pete did visit me once in Eugene and that was where we first started to have a more normal “adult” relationship.
Now in Sunnyvale Pete now started calling me “Old Man”. At the time I thought it had to do with our age difference. Now that Pete was out here things were better. Among other things, Pete and I shared the same sense of humor. We both really liked music and we both liked finding and drinking what was then called “micro” brewery beers. We also enjoyed smoking pot. The last three were things Kathy was not too keen on. This was the first time in 12 years that I had any family member living near by. Once I left for the Air Force I'd always been hundreds if not thousands of miles away from all of my family. While I didn't think much about missing my family, it was definitely nice to have Pete out west with me. I was enjoying it. It was comforting and I felt a little better as a result. I eventually found out that Pete had been calling me “Old Man” because the spark and energy he remembered me having prior to his coming out west was gone. He saw that I wasn't the same. I had no life. To him I was acting like an old man and worse, I wasn't much fun.
While having Pete here helped, my life still was not what it should be or needed to be. I would live like this for another year before I finally gave in and decided to do something about it.
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