Divorce

Divorce

1981: Ronald Reagan would be sworn in as the 40^th President of our country. Iran would release 52 American hostages. Diana would marry Prince Charles. The Raiders of the Lost Ark would hit the movie theaters. The first recognized case of AIDS would be recorded, in LA. For me it would be the year that Kathy and I initiated divorce proceedings.

Things at home were just not good with Kathy and me. I kept thinking to myself “How can Kathy be happy with the way things are?”. I guess I was hoping it wasn't just me and it wasn't all my fault. I was feeling I had been selfish in asking Kathy to marry me. I felt like the marriage was lost and there was no going back. It wasn't that we were fighting or even being unpleasant with each other. I was just not happy and wanted out. I felt I shouldn't feel that way but I thought and felt that way all the time, especially when we were home together. While it was the Eugene trip that triggered all this there were other things as well. Kathy did not seem to understand what was private and sacred to me as I would hear things I'd meant for only her to know come back to me often out of context from other people. She seemed jealous of my long time friends, like Larry or Frank. I didn't trust her to understand me and as a result I found it difficult to open up with her. I was realizing that while I still liked Kathy, I no longer loved her and maybe I never truly had. At the very least I did not love her the way I should. I wished I felt differently. How do you get yourself to fall back in love with someone once you've turned that corner? I have no idea and I'm not sure it can be done, or at least I've never been able to do it. I was miserable. I never felt connected to Kathy like I had and in many ways still did with Donna. It was clear that I didn't love Kathy that way. I never loved her enough. I only really liked her. I was still emotionally tied to Donna and that was what was really keeping me from fully engaging in our marriage. Looking back I can see that was the real problem. I still loved Donna and she was still more important to me than Kathy would ever be and as long as that was true I would probably never truly fall in love with someone else. It wasn't Kathy's fault and there was not much she could do about it.

I struggled through the next few months and finally accepted that I needed to end the marriage. I couldn't continue to live this way. I wasn't being fair to either Kathy or myself. My parents were scheduled to visit us later in the summer from New York so I decided I should wait until after their visit to bring it up with Kathy. I couldn't do it. Once I gave myself permission to end it I realized waiting was not doing either of us any good. I needed to be out of the marriage. It just wasn't right. I'd been lost and unhappy for over a year. Two weeks before my parents were scheduled to visit I had “The Talk” with Kathy. She wasn't surprised but it wasn't what she wanted. I explained that the marriage was not working for me and I didn't see how it was going to get any better. I think Kathy was already resigned to the fact that I was going to ask for a divorce but had been hoping something would change. We hadn't bought a house. We had no children. All we really had was two cars, one with a monthly car payment. It was clear which car was going with whom. I was good with moving out but Kathy said she'd move out besides it would be easier for her to find a new place because I had Nyshia (my dog). We decided to both stay in the house and not tell anyone about our decision to divorce until after my parents' visit. It felt weird to pretend everything was OK for the next few weeks, especially while my parents were here, but it seemed like the best option at the time.

After my parents left to return to New York, Kathy looked for a new place and I stayed to finish the lease in the Selo rental house. We talked through the details of our separation. I told Kathy she should take whatever she wanted and I'd take care of whatever was left over.. She took most of the furniture as she brought a lot if it into the marriage. Our credit cards and bank accounts were still separate. As a rule I always paid all my credit cards off each month but Kathy kept a balance on most of hers. I proposed that she give me all her cards and I would pay all of them off but she should get new ones and from this day forward anything she charged on her new cards would be her responsibility. She agreed. The car I drove was paid off but the car Kathy drove was new and had with monthly payments. She agreed to take over the payments since the car would be going with her. I told her I'd do all the separation and divorce paperwork as well as pay all the court costs and fees. It was all very amicable. It was sad, I failed again. but at the same time I felt the fog I'd been living in for so long begun to lift. I might not be the person I had hoped to be but I was going to be a “real” person again, however flawed that might be.

Kathy's introduction to me was through the eyes of the headquarters office of GBS. I was the rising star and was highly thought of by the top people of the company and Kathy worked with those HQ managers. I was the go-getter moving on up. I wore designer European suits, not because of the style, although I did like it, but because of my body shape. (I was thin with a small waist and broad shoulders. The European cut suits were the only ones that fit me, unless, of course, I was willing to buy expensive custom made suits. I had been repeatedly told that the cut of American made suits would not fit me properly.) My image at work was really in conflict with my own self image. I had no interest in moving up the corporate latter. I was a strictly jeans and t-shirt guy that identified with a bohemian lifestyle rather than the corporate one I was living. In a sense, at work I was playing a part. No wonder Kathy saw me differently.

Kathy is a very fine person. She is a very encouraging person who has a good heart. At the time I was really taken by her. The preceding stories reflect my looking back and trying to make sense of that time. It focuses on events and incidents that I think help me understand or explain why we got together and why it did not work out. I tried to look at what signs I failed to picked up in an attempt to explain, mostly to myself, why the marriage did not work for me. This unfortunately and unfairly puts Kathy in less than a good light. The truth is this relationship was mostly a failing on my part, much more than hers, as I wanted her to be something she wasn't. She never held our differences against me but sadly, the same can't be said about me. With this divorce I broke the family record for number of divorces by a single person. Sadly, the record I broke was my own as I was still the only member of my family to have a divorce on their record and now I had two. I pretty much decided I should resist any urge to get married in the future.